She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
