i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I am mentally ready for anal.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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