dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
