They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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