It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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