shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We left an ass print on the piano.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I can't put those talents on a resume
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
