my sisters under your porch take her home
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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