Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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