before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
