I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
