Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
