Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
