Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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