moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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