I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
