I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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