I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
