happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
you mean i was at the winter classic?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
