i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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