i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
