I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
