the condom got lost in my hair
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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