he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
