The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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