Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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