Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
