I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
