I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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