Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
