just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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