i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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