I just gift wrapped bread.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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