Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Randomize
