2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
it hurts more in the daytime
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
