I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's rum buckets o'clock
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