3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
