I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
