I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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