I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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