She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
