Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
