The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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