Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
