I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
