You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
