Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
