I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
my poor anus
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
