just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
