I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
