For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
