i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
