He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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